I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
