And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Every concussion has its silver lining
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
