She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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