Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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