last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.