My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.