We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
