I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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