If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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