why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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