So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.