My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
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Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
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Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me