I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.