The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
19 Utterly Perfect Responses To ‘Send Nudes’ Texts
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?