Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
