theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You've changed since you got that strap on
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
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