JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
