roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
