Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
