I'm really into asian looking animals
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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