she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
