Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
