Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
