He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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