Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
