I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
