sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
