halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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