i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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