I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
