So drunk its hurt
tonight lets celebrate not being married
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Randomize
