Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
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