there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
