I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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