last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
