hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
