Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I can't turn off my feet"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
