turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
