We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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