you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
