Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
