This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
