If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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