I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
