i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
