Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
