Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
