I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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