the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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