its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
