saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
