the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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