So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
