my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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