Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
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My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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