this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
