Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
