Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
