So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
