She said her name was "party"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
jump out the window naked night went bad
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