Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
