so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
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I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.