capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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