if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
