Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
